So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
