I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
