Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can't turn off my feet"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
