Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
