Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
