He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
