1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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