I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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