she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
