I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
