i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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