I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Fuck appropriateness.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
