And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
