this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
