Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
