I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
