I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
