This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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