i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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