last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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