Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
