its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
