Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
