Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
