Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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