i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
