We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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