I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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