bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
