did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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