How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We left an ass print on the piano.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
