the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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