She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can I color on your dick again?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
