I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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