So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
then he tried to convert me to islam
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
