Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
