I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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