I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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