he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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