No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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