My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize