i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
