Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
