i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
