Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize