Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
