woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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