Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
