On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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