you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
