So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
