it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
