Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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