I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
