Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Randomize
