I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize