I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
