im about as happy as oj after his trial
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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