My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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