Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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