What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
That accounts for only three of the penises
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
