i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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