video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
