No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
